Why Forgetting Doesn’t Mean We Don’t Care: Understanding ADHD and Neurodivergent Memory

"If It's Important, You'll Remember": Why This Saying Misses the Mark for Neurodivergent Brains

Have you ever heard someone say, “If it’s important to you, you’ll remember” or “If you forgot, it must not have been important”? 😵‍😵️‍🚫 These sayings might sound reasonable to some, but for those of us who are neurodivergent, they’re not just inaccurate—they’re downright harmful.

Neurodivergent Brains and Memory: It’s Not That Simple

For those of us who are neurodivergent, our brains don’t prioritize memories or tasks based on emotional importance. Instead, they’re influenced by things like:

• Executive Dysfunction: The part of the brain responsible for planning, prioritizing, and remembering tasks doesn’t always cooperate.

• Working Memory Struggles: Holding onto information temporarily can feel like juggling—and sometimes, things fall.

• Dopamine-Driven Focus: ADHD brains, for example, tend to latch onto what’s novel or stimulating, often unrelated to the importance of the task.

This means we can deeply value something—an important date, a commitment, or even a loved one’s needs—and still forget. Not because it doesn’t matter, but because our brains are wired differently.

Forgetting Doesn’t Mean We Don’t Care

Let’s get one thing straight: forgetting something doesn’t mean we don’t care. It doesn’t mean the event, person, or task isn’t important to us. When people equate memory with importance, it creates guilt, shame, and unnecessary pressure—all of which make it even harder for us to function.

Neurodivergent brains don’t follow the typical “rules” for attention and memory. Forgetfulness is not a sign of laziness or apathy; it’s just part of how we’re wired. And that’s okay.

Let’s Reframe the Conversation

Instead of assuming forgetfulness equals indifference, let’s shift the focus to understanding and compassion:

1. Recognize Neurodivergence: Brains work differently, and that’s not a bad thing. Memory challenges are often beyond our control.

2. Use Tools and Supports: Alarms, reminders, visual cues—these aren’t crutches; they’re tools that help us thrive.

3. Offer Grace: If someone forgets something, offer a gentle reminder without judgment. It’s not personal.

4. Ditch Harmful Phrases: Let’s move away from sayings like “If it’s important, you’ll remember” and focus on supporting each other.

Our Forgetfulness Doesn’t Define Us

Being neurodivergent means navigating a world built for brains that work differently from ours. Forgetting something doesn’t mean it’s not important or that we don’t care. It simply means our brains process and prioritize in unique ways, and that’s okay.

So next time you catch yourself forgetting something, remember this: your forgetfulness doesn’t define you. What defines you is your care, effort, and intentions. Let’s give ourselves the grace we deserve and celebrate our beautifully NeuroDiv brains. 💙